This one’s for the gay guys: LET’S STOP MAN-SPREADING ALL OVER REVOICE
Most of us have been in straight male Christian spaces and know what it's like to feel unseen and left out. If this blog post were a Men's Breakfast at church, we'd start with a few NFL references, lead into something self-deprecating about our much-smarter wives (but it would still make us look good), and then move into porn accountability groups and bacon.
But this is a post for the gay men of Revoice, so we're gonna skip all that and get to the point:
You might've noticed that our sisters here have been doing a series of fabulous blogs asking, "Where are all the women?" More specifically, Why are Revoice spaces often dominated by men and not more inclusive of women? "
Deep breaths, my dudes. Let's pause here for another slice of bacon quiche. We're gonna get real here:
I (Steven) am the Chief of All Man-Spreaders. Just ask my wife (see me self-deprecate there?)–we literally got into a fight about this on the NYC subway in the early 2000s before they put up the NO MAN-SPREADING signs. I'm built like a linebacker (note the NFL reference) who doesn't work out, so I physically take up a lot of space in this world.
I (Art) love to talk, as anyone who's met me knows. Between the ADHD thought association and the Brazilian hyper-familiarity, I've always got a thought, an idea, or a slightly out-of-context comment. And some of them are even good! But if I'm honest, I've learned this often means I'm talking OVER somebody else. Verbally, if not always physically, taking up a lot of space.
In so many ways, Revoice feels like a space uniquely built for us…
When we go to a Revoice Local Chapter, behold! Gay men abound here! We know we will be in the majority for once. What a blessed relief! We don't have to edit ourselves or defend the space we're taking up here. We can just be ourselves for once.
When we walk into a Revoice Conference, it's like a gay male Christian heaven on earth! We see well-dressed gay Christian men everywhere, talking and connecting and making brunch plans . . . sure there's a few women off to the sides, but they'll find their people, right?
When we look for books by Side B men like us, there's more than we'll ever be able to read! And just a handful of books by Side B women. Same with podcasts. We can fill our workdays listening to queer male voices like ours.
In all of this–all this excitement to see our stories told FOR ONCE, to see guys who look and act like us, the relief of feeling NORMAL–we sometimes forget that this space isn't just for us.
We never asked for the burden of our privilege. It is just given to us, like the One Ring to Frodo. What are two cis-male straight-presenting Christians to do?
We've spent some time here learning from our teammates–especially Janelle Look, who's led this series so beautifully–and identifying some things that have helped us live into the fullness of our community. We want to be blessed by the queer women around us who have things to offer. We've compiled some ideas below! You may want to grab some more bacon for the uncomfortable moments.
TOP 10 WAYS THAT GAY CHRISTIAN MAN-SPREADERS CAN SHIFT THIER POSTURE
PRAY. We know we need to make our spaces better for women. Jesus knows, too. Ask our Lord to open your eyes and search your hearts.
LOOK AROUND. Who's in this space? Notice who's missing, and ask why.
(and most importantly) STOP TALKING. Or at least so much. LISTEN to the women here. They've been listening to us for a while now; it's time for a posture shift.
(if there are no women here) INVITE SOME WOMEN. You know some. Some of the women you know are queer/SSA. You have the radar, gurl. Use the radar. Communicate to your sisters, "You are wanted here."
STEWARD OUR PRIVILEGE. Think about all the ways that straight men have privileges gay men don't enjoy. Now think about the privileges gay men enjoy that queer women don't. How can we use our privileges to make more space for women?
ADVOCATE. Call out sexism and misogyny when you see them. When a guy is talking too much, and the women are silent, something's wrong. When the jokes and the stories are all for the gay guys and sideline our sisters, something's wrong. Help make it right.
LEARN OUR HISTORY. Queer spaces have historically been white male-centered, and this is perhaps more true for religious queer spaces. It's a side effect of the way we talk about women and their sexuality versus men and their sexuality.
LEARN OUR CULTURE. In and outside the Church, men are expected to have some sort of sexual desire, and so we investigate our sexual drives. Women are not supposed to have sexual desire but instead be objects of desire (sure, maybe not for us, but for the majority of men). Lots more reasons for this. Please read the rest of this blog series.
ASK. What does she think about this? What do they experience?
CONFESS. How have you knowingly or unknowingly reinforced male dominance in our spaces? Ask your sisters for forgiveness. Commit to doing better.
Guys, this is work we can do. Stay vigilant, stay self-aware, and let's do all we can to make this beautiful community a safe and welcoming space where all women can thrive and no one's asking where they all are. GO TEAM! — Steven & Art
