Understanding the Time of Testing as a Gift
Or, why gifts in the Christian life seem to come wrapped in sackcloth and dusted with ashes
Aside: I am not using “gift” in the sense of spiritual gifts, though there could be some overlap. I’m using gift in the sense of a present.
2 Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. -James 1
I think I made a mistake. When I was a young college student, my most earnest prayer to God was for the gift of wisdom. Little did I know then how much that desire for wisdom would cost. Little did I know that the testing and trials in my life that would instruct me in the ways of God’s wisdom would upend the worldly hopes on which I had set my life and set me adrift on the sea, searching for that “sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into” the presence of God.
But this brings me, perhaps, to one of the more difficult aspects of times of testing for us to reckon with, humanly speaking. If we think of trials and testing merely as results of our own or others' bad actions, or as effects of living in a fallen world, then we can avoid thinking too closely about what God’s relationship is to the bad things that happen in our lives. We can pretend that Joseph never said, “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” or that the entirety of Lamentations is a recognition that the desolation of Israel is from the same God that the author is reaching out to for rescue.
Which takes me back to James (and similarly Romans 5:3-5, and hey, let’s not forget pretty much the entire book of Hebrews in light of 12:5-13). When we seek the face of God, perhaps we should wrestle with the reality that, given our fallen state and natural inclinations, trials become a necessary means of showing us our weaknesses and shaping us to be more like the One we seek. Perhaps these times are, through the power of the Holy Spirit, even a gift from God.
Because the loneliness and rootlessness I experienced growing up as a military brat and have experienced for much of my adult life have given me a deep longing for home, and because the instability and dissolution of my marriage has made me acutely aware of the inability of human relationships to satisfy that longing, I resonate deeply with Hebrews 11: 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.
This is a gift.
Because of the exhaustion, hopelessness, and isolation I have felt caring for a loved one with a chronic illness, I can “weep with those who weep3” and know that:
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
-Psalm 63
This is a gift.
Because I have gone my own way in loneliness and fear, seeking to satisfy my heart with anger as a teenager and with an illegitimate relationship as an adult, and yet have found the Good Shepherd seek me and bring me back to Him again and again, I can say:
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Surely, O God, this is a gift.
