A central feature of our faith in Jesus is that we are called to repent from sin–especially sexual sin (1 Cor. 6)—and submit ourselves to the life-transforming power of the Holy Spirit. Indeed, we believe that all believers have been united to Christ by faith, and that the Holy Spirit does actually change us so that we increasingly reflect the image of Christ. If this is true, then what does “change” look like for gay/SSA people, particularly within the realm of our sexuality? Let’s begin looking at all that is involved in answering this question.
Some Definitions: Why Words Matter In this Conversation
But before we go any further, let’s take a moment to define a few key terms. Many LGBTQ+ and same-sex attracted individuals have been hurt in their faith communities because Christians haven’t always used clear or consistent language. Getting these definitions right matters—otherwise, we risk placing expectations on people for what holy living looks like that the Bible itself doesn’t support. For example, many point to James 1:13–15 as evidence that simply experiencing same-sex attraction is sinful and an occasion for repentance. As we will see, this reflects a superficial understanding of the various thoughts, feelings, and desires that are wrapped up in the way gay people experience their orientation. With that in mind, let’s now take a deeper look at five specific words: attraction, desire, orientation, temptation, and hope.
Attraction. Attraction happens when we notice something about someone that draws us toward them—we might respond to this attraction outwardly, or it might just remain in our thoughts or imagination. We can be attracted to others for many different reasons, often related to how we perceive beauty. These attractions may or may not take place in connection with our sexuality, so they may or may not result in sexual thoughts or desires. Not all attractions are sexual attractions. Attractions aren’t automatically good or bad—some can be morally harmful, while others may not be.
Desire. Like attraction, desire arises in response to something we find appealing—whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad. When we desire something, it’s because our minds tell us it would be good to have it. However, unlike attraction, desire is often more closely tied to our will. That means even though a desire for a particular action might seem hard to change, we still have the ability to act differently on the basis of a different desire, perhaps for something we want even more. For example, I might crave a loaded baked potato late at night because it sounds delicious. But if I remind myself of a deeper desire to live a healthier lifestyle, that specific desire—to eat the baked potato—might shift. And when this happens, my desire for a baked potato might diminish, perhaps even drastically. But even if I only experience a slight decrease in desire, the result is still a changed desire.
Orientation. For our purposes, we’ll use the definition from the American Psychological Association, which describes orientation as an “enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both.” Three key words stand out in this definition: enduring, pattern, and attractions. The promise of the ex-gay movement was especially challenging because it aimed to change all three of these core aspects of orientation.
Temptation. When an attraction—especially one related to our orientation—leads to a sexual thought or desire, it is no longer morally neutral. In that case, the attraction has become a starting point for sin. In other words, it has been taken over by our sinful nature and turned into a temptation. As we’ll see, all Christians are called to handle their attractions with wisdom. This means recognizing when attractions arise, examining the attitude of our hearts toward them, and choosing a healthy and faithful response—especially when those attractions begin to turn into temptations.
Hope. Finally, we want to grow in our understanding of “the changes we can hope for,” so let’s also define the concept of “hope.” In general, hope is a feeling directed toward the future. Sometimes we use it to express a strong wish for something unlikely—like saying, “I hope I win the lottery!” Other times, it reflects a realistic expectation, such as, “I hope to see two Broadway musicals next year.” But biblical hope is different. It’s rooted in God’s promises to His people. We place our hope in God because we trust that He will keep His word, based on the salvation we have through Christ. For Christians, hope is ultimately about trusting in what God has promised.
This is why the ex-gay promise—that orientation change is the standard outcome for gay Christians pursuing holiness—was so devastating for sexual minorities. It wasn’t a promise God ever actually made. Despite what some who promoted the ex-gay narrative claimed, Scripture never gave us reason to believe that changing one’s orientation—or, pattern of enduring attractions—was something God guaranteed. At the same time, a Christian life without any hope isn’t the answer either. Gay Christians need to let go of the unbiblical hope for orientation change and instead embrace different, gospel-centered kinds of transformation in our sexuality—changes we can genuinely hope for and expect to see by God’s grace. Though the gospel does not promise orientation change, we are not powerless to submit our sexual desires and temptations to the lordship of Christ. We can trust the Holy Spirit to strengthen us to do this, further nurturing holiness within us as this takes place.
Big Picture Question: What kinds of change can sexual minority Christians hope to see in the way they experience their sexuality?
It does seem that some sexual minorities—though for reasons we don’t fully understand—do experience some shift in their orientation, meaning the general direction of their attractions changes in some way. However, most Christian sexual minorities who surrender their sexuality to Jesus will not see a change in the enduring pattern of their attractions. For many of us who are gay or same-sex attracted (SSA), being drawn to the beauty of same-sex image-bearers is simply part of our earthly experience. Instead, as we grow in our obedience to Jesus, we can see changes take place in how we respond to those attractions. In other words, while the pattern of attraction itself may remain, the way we experience and engage with it is transformed.
A Lasting Rest
The first kind of change that LGBTQ+ and SSA Christians should hope to experience in connection with their sexuality centers, perhaps unexpectedly, on the idea of peace. In Matthew 11:28–30 Jesus says:
“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Many gay or same-sex attracted (SSA) Christians are spiritually exhausted because they haven’t accepted a simple truth: God will not love them more if they somehow become straight. Put another way, this exhaustion often comes from the constant pressure to prove—to God and to others—that we are not somehow lesser because of our orientation. For some, this shows up in repeated prayers asking God to make us straight. For others, it’s more subtle. We might pray for strength to resist sexual temptation—not only out of a desire to be holy, but also because we’re afraid. Afraid that God will love us less if we fail. Afraid that others will be disappointed if we don’t meet the expectations they’ve placed on us.
But exhaustion isn’t the only reason sexual minority Christians need rest. Often, that exhaustion comes from something deeper: shame. Many of us work tirelessly to make ourselves more acceptable to others—and to God—because deep down, we’re ashamed of who we are as sexual minorities. We may believe the lie that our orientation makes it harder for God to love us the way He loves straight people. Or that being gay somehow makes us less worthy of love and acceptance from others.
Jesus offers us a better way than living in exhaustion and shame. He reminds us that He is gentle, and that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Yes, following Jesus can be challenging at times (see Matthew 16:24–26), but it’s a kind of work that brings rest to our souls. For sexual minority Christians seeking to follow Him, embracing this shift in perspective—seeing our sexuality through the lens of grace rather than shame—is a foundational change the Holy Spirit can bring about in us.
A Mature Repentance
The second kind of change that LGBTQ+ and SSA Christians can hope for is the change that comes through repentance—the act of turning away from sin. Sometimes, when we feel attracted to someone of the same sex, that attraction can lead to temptation—a pull toward sinful thoughts or actions. If that initial attraction develops into a focused sexual desire, it crosses the line from temptation into sin. When that happens, Scripture calls all believers to respond with repentance: to turn away from the sin, confess it to God, and receive the forgiveness Christ offers us through the gospel.
At least, that’s how it appears on the surface. In reality, some gay or same-sex attracted (SSA) Christians—especially those who haven’t embraced the “lasting rest” mentioned earlier—can find themselves caught in cycles of shame during the process of repentance. This doesn’t mean their repentance is fake or meaningless. But when repentance is rooted in shame, it often includes a desire to avoid rather than to receive. In other words, they may turn away from sinful thoughts or behavior not because they’re resting in the Father’s love, but because they’re trying to escape the feeling of shame. This kind of ungrounded repentance might bring temporary change, but it usually doesn’t last.
Of course, we all have to start somewhere—and some repentance is better than none at all. But the goal is for our repentance to grow from the good soil of dependence on God, not just the rocky ground of trying to avoid pain. As our hearts draw closer to the Father, our repentance begins to flow more from a response to His love than from a desire to escape guilt or shame.
At the same time, mature repentance isn’t overreactive. Many gay Christians have felt pressure from their straight Christian peers to turn away from things the Bible doesn’t actually call sin. For example, gay Christian men often feel judged if they wear nail polish at church or express themselves through fashion in ways that don’t conform to traditional masculinity. Likewise, gay Christian women notice raised eyebrows if their hair is too short or dyed blue. Well-meaning Christians can even be suspicious of attempts by gay Christians to build enduring community with same-sex friends. These impulses (i.e., to wear nail polish, build community with same-sex friends, etc) often stem from aspects of our orientation, but can be present in our lives without sinful desires—or even temptation—taking place. Gay or same-sex attracted (SSA) Christians who are growing in spiritual maturity learn to discern the difference between the true conviction of the Holy Spirit and the false expectations of cultural Christianity about what sexual holiness should look like.
Shawnda’s Story: The Longing Beneath Addiction
Shawnda never imagined she’d become addicted to gay porn—but eventually, she had to face the reality that her compulsion to look at porn was undeniable. The impact of her addiction was becoming harder and harder to ignore, and she reached a point where she knew she needed help.
She was aware that her church hosted Celebrate Recovery—a well-known addiction recovery program offered by many evangelical churches—on Thursday nights. Still, she wasn’t sure the leaders there would understand the unique aspects of her struggle, especially how it related to her orientation. But as she began attending the meetings, she was surprised by how much she had in common with the straight participants.
Through her small group and the guidance of a mentor, Shawnda began to recognize that some of her temptations to engage in lust were actually misdirected longings—for connection with God and with others. Instead of running from the pain of loneliness and trying to numb it with porn, she started to learn that repentance could be a source of joy and deeper intimacy with God as it led to a deeper experience of communion with God and others.
(Note: It is common in many Christian communities to equate the experience of being gay/SSA with having an addiction. This is not only unhelpful but also untrue. What is true is that all Christians will wrestle with negative behaviors and bad habits, and that is the subject of this particular story.)
Damon’s Story: Grace that Heals Shame
Even though Damon knew that no human relationship—no matter how intimate—could truly satisfy him, he kept turning to hookup apps in a desperate search for intimacy and belonging. With each encounter becoming riskier than the last, he eventually realized something had to change.
One day, Damon prayed for the courage to ask for help. As he was praying, he thought of an old friend from college—someone who had once been his accountability partner. Unlike many others he knew who struggled with sexual sin, this friend didn’t seem trapped in a shame cycle. Damon remembered praying with him one evening and thinking, “Wow, this guy really believes that God loves him.” At that moment, Damon knew what he needed to do. He reached out to his friend and took the first step on his journey toward sexual sobriety.
The road wasn’t easy. Damon had spent years believing lies about himself—messages he had absorbed from the culture around him. He believed that sexual fulfillment was the highest form of intimacy. He believed his worth depended on how desirable he was to others. And, perhaps most painfully, he believed deep down that he wasn’t truly worthy of love or respect. It took time for Damon to unlearn these lies and begin embracing the truth of God’s grace—grace from the One “who satisfies our desires with good things” (Psalm 103:5).
Gabe’s Story: Attraction, Honesty, and True Friendship
Gabe felt like he was constantly developing a crush on every attractive guy he met. The cycle was familiar: meet a cute guy, exchange a few texts or DMs, start obsessing over becoming friends with him, feel guilty for wanting that friendship, pull away from everyone to avoid temptation—and then meet another cute guy, starting the whole process over again. The longer this went on, the more Gabe built walls between himself and his friends, trying to avoid any chance of sin. Deep down, he knew he was isolating himself from community, but he hadn’t been shown any other way to obey God and resist temptation.
Eventually, Gabe opened up to one of his straight friends about what he was going through, expecting judgment. But to his surprise, his friend responded with empathy and compassion. As they talked through Gabe’s pattern of “friend crushes,” something began to shift in Gabe’s perspective. One of the biggest realizations was that most people, regardless of their orientation, experience some level of relational attraction to specific individuals. In that sense, attraction is a normal part of how we relate to others. This new understanding helped Gabe become more thoughtful and less reactive when those feelings arose.
With this shift in mindset, Gabe found it easier to respond to attraction with greater self-awareness and maturity. He began to discern when a feeling pointed to a genuine desire for connection or when it was mostly just covering up a deeper sexual urge. As he learned to submit these desires to the lordship of Christ, he began to experience the truth of the Psalmist’s words: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).
Gospel Changes We Can Hope For
As we conclude, I would like to highlight three key elements of change that we can observe in the lives of Shawnda, Damon, and Gabe—changes that reflect genuine spiritual growth and the transformative power of the gospel.
First, we saw a shift in their attitude toward their sin. Each of them moved from either denial or despair to a place of godly sorrow—a kind of grief that led them toward repentance, not away from God. Rather than giving in to shame or self-condemnation, they began to respond to sin with humility and trust in God’s mercy. Their repentance wasn’t about proving themselves worthy, but about turning back to a Father who loves them.
Second, we saw a change in how they faced temptation. They grew in both awareness and intentionality. They didn’t just try harder—they learned how to rely more fully on sources of gospel grace that are available to all God’s children. This meant identifying the deeper longings beneath their temptations and learning to bring those longings to God. They didn’t just run from sin; they ran toward the rest and security the gospel offers. Their obedience was no longer driven by fear, but increasingly by trust in a heavenly Father whose love they were learning to receive.
Third, we saw a change in how they engaged with a variety of debilitating behaviors. Whether it was sexual compulsivity or relational obsession, each of them began unlearning harmful coping mechanisms that had become normal, replacing them with healthier, more gospel-shaped habits. They reached out for help. They invited community into their healing. And slowly but surely, they began to experience freedom—not just from the behaviors themselves, but from the lies and shame that perpetuated those behaviors.
These stories remind us that meaningful change is possible—not because of willpower alone, but because of the grace and truth Jesus offers us in the gospel. The transformation we saw take place in the lives of Shawnda, Damon, and Gabe can also take place in our lives. All of us will experience desires that we don’t want, attractions we didn’t choose, and shame that can feel like an empty, inescapable pit. The good news of the gospel is that Jesus can lead us out of despair and into more integrated lives of peace and flourishing. His love and approval are what really count, and ultimately point to the beauty of the bigger, grander story of a God who has always met his children in their weakness while journeying with us into healing.
