Unblemished

Written By A.H.

I'm glad Jesus doesn't feel the need

to keep himself "unblemished" by me.


He is not too proud to crouch in the dirt

and write my name

while Good Christian People

sneer at my shame

and try to throw stones at me

anyway. 


He doesn't distance his heart

from my heart;

doesn't scoff at the tears in my eyes;

He doesn't believe that I'm "playing the victim"

when I have flashbacks of times I was terrorized

by people who claimed they were loving and kind.

He doesn't pull back

from my trauma and pain,

doesn't rebuke me because I am gay,

doesn't look at me with disgust and disdain

for just being human,

for just being me:

because Genesis 1 

comes before Genesis 3.


Before snakes and apples

and "original sin,"

we were beloved, the crown of creation!

Made in God's image, esteemed and adored --

this is the purpose God made us for.


Those Good Christians taught me

God can't be around sin,

doesn't like when his kids disobey;

He's too holy to tolerate our blemishes --

So every little mistake you make

and every sinful action you take

puts you further away from him.


And yet Jesus came down??

and put on our skin??

and ate with the "worst" of us, again and again?

Sounds more like a Potter 

who will do what it takes

to shape and reshape

the precious clay

he first shaped in his image,

undoing the curse, undoing the damage


a gritty God, who looks for us

in the cool of the garden, in the cracks and the dust

of our heartbroken world --

He is not afraid

and he is not ashamed

to clothe us in his righteousness

and give us his name

and a place in his kingdom, defined by his love

not by purity culture

or church every Sunday;

all the heavy burdens over years have made

me skeptical of their untouchable gods,

who care more about "holiness" and "obedience"

than intimacy and sweet reverence.


God didn't begrudgingly save you, my friend --

He ransomed what already belongs to him.

We're sinners in the hands of a loving God,

and the Jesus I know 

is tender and kind;

who kneels close to your face

and writes your name

on his hands

and the dust 

from whence you came


So I'm glad that this God 

 knows our immeasurable worth --

redeemed and restored now,

to unblemished earth.

A.H.

I am a lover of books and web comics, cafes and coffee shops, cats and dogs, flowers, knitting and embroidery, baking and cooking for other people, block prints, and early bedtimes. #spinstergoals

”What inspired me to share my story and insights through writing? Once, there was a 20-year-old version of me who wrote in her diary, “I was thinking about the fact that I’ll probably be 22 by the time [he] graduates, and we marry, so I’ll probably be 24 or 25 before I get to have children. Lord, help me—I don’t want to wait another 4 or 5 years to have children. I want them now.”

Now, nearly 20 years later, I’m divorced, without children, and a celibate gay Christian. I write as both a sign and a memorial—reminding myself and others of God’s faithfulness and the beautiful life He gives even in the midst of brokenness.

The dark times in my life have nearly destroyed me, and yet I’ve found God to be faithful. Through my writing, I hope that anyone walking through crisis or recovery can find rest in that same faithfulness—and catch a glimpse of the hope and beauty still to come.” — A.

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I Will Uphold You