That Feeling When You Hate Your Life
A bit of perspective I received from the words of Jesus.
As a single person, I used to struggle with terrible, chronic loneliness…
At the time, no one would have guessed this to be the case. I’ve done an excellent job over the years at expanding my network, investing in relationships, and building community. If anyone were to be lonely, most people probably wouldn’t say it would be me. But alas, I was indeed desperately lonely.
I would occasionally have a weekend or even one night with nothing planned. If I couldn’t find someone available for a last-minute hangout, my heart would ache. In fact, even going home (where I was to sleep alone) after a social outing would cause me pain most evenings. I often complained about this situation to my inner circle.
About two years ago, though, that specific suffering started to abate. I’m not entirely sure why. I have some theories, which I may write about another time. Nevertheless, I have been grateful for the change, as I’ve steadily grown accustomed to the loneliness no longer being a regular part of my experience (though I am still single).
God is good!
Acknowledging the Adversity
Even while appreciating this very real blessing, I have still found life as a celibate gay man to be often quite difficult. I have experienced a lot of rejection within the Church and my relationships with straight male friends. I’ve lost a ministry job and other desirable opportunities. I’ve questioned the road I am on more than once and have constantly sought better strategies for moving forward.
A friend once described me, saying it was like she was watching someone walk uphill with a heavy-duty backpack full of rocks, while others around me walk downhill with nothing on their backs. I’ve also thought of it as swimming up against the currents of a river. At the same time, everyone else around me floats down towards romantic bliss, sexual fulfillment, familial belonging, and a society that celebrates all the milestones waiting for them.
The reality is that everyone faces real challenges. Many of us have unique and complicated disadvantages of various kinds. Sexual minorities aren’t the only ones who experience feeling like the world may not have been designed with their welfare in mind. Even heterosexual marriage comes with its own set of serious hassles. And as Christians, who seek to live in resistance to the enemy’s sway over society, we all undergo the tension of being out of step with the value system of others around us.
The other day, I was struck anew by Jesus' words in John 12:25: "Whoever loves his life loses it, but whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." Man, do I know what it can feel like to hate life! Considering the long-term, recurring challenges I have faced, I see our Lord’s words in a clearer light than I did when I was younger.
Learning to Live in Resistance to Idols
I don’t believe Christ wants us living in constant despair, despondency, or desolation. That is not our inheritance as children of God (2nd Corinthians 4:7-18). Yet when we live a counter-cultural life, trying to responsibly lead others, seeking to fight for an unpopular cause, representing a rejected God, and opting out of the ease and convenience of a self-centered life, we are bound to pay a price for our decisions. It’s enough sometimes to prompt one to say, “Is this what trusting God is supposed to feel like? Because I hate this feeling!”
As queer Christians living an “alternative lifestyle” (think celibacy, mixed-orientation marriage, celibate partnerships, etc.), we are not conforming to the status quo (Romans 12:1-2). We are not cooperating with all the ways our culture and our churches practice:
radical individualism
the assumption that marriage and sex are God’s will for all
codependent expressions of romance
centering the nuclear family (often at the expense of a missionary lifestyle)
the unquestioned adoption of social norms
Truly, we are up against well-established strongholds (Ephesians 6:10-13). This means, in this stage of history, we’re often clearing a path through uncharted territory. The road to intimacy, connection, and being liked and understood has not been paved for us quite like it has for some of our peers.
Going Against the Grain
These days, when I have that kind of screw-my-life moment… I try to catch myself before drawing the worst conclusions. I don’t assume that I am necessarily beginning a depressive episode. I wonder if this feeling is to be expected? Perhaps I can get through this with a little perspective? Maybe this discomfort just comes with surrendering to Jesus? This could be a taste of what He felt Himself in so many moments throughout the Gospels. (Consider, for instance, when He was almost pushed off a cliff by a crowd in his own hometown! See Luke 4:16-30.)
This disappointment may be what Jesus was referring to when He said we’d “hate our lives.” He knew what it was like to experience circumstances that made our heads spin. Our own tension could actually be an indicator that we are still pressing forward on the narrow path, rather than choosing the easy way out (Matthew 7:13-14).
Our forefather Abraham didn’t have it easy. The apostle Paul didn’t have it easy. The early Church didn’t have it easy. Athanasius didn’t have it easy. The Reformers didn’t have it easy. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t have it easy. As Hebrews 11:13-16 reminds us, “These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth… Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.”
What if our Father is looking for some same-sex attracted/LGBTQ+ people in our day who will likewise “count the cost” and voluntarily choose to be participants in the ongoing sufferings of Christ (Luke 14:28-33, Philippians 3:10, Colossians 1:24)? What if this is actually our privilege–to embrace the not-so-impressive role of a Kingdom-minded pioneer–carving out a better space for future generations to inhabit?
There will be much to process in this life, to be sure. There’s a great deal to lament, plenty of pain to vent (and seek a little validation for), and much cause to get therapy. It’s also not always wrong to pursue a solution, a breakthrough, or relief.
Let’s just acknowledge, though, that enduring continued friction comes with the job description of every disciple. After all, we follow a Messiah who is well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).
Faithfully, our God is forming the image of His Son within us. In the meantime, we are assured He can fuel us with hope, even when it makes absolutely no sense (Romans 4:18-22). Further, He offers us sustaining, overflowing joy–that we may be propelled in our perseverance through every season (see Psalm 1 & 23).
Many of us in the Revoice community can testify to having encountered this inexplicable hope and joy, even in the midst of life’s pressures. We’ve got some stories worth telling. Why? Because God really does show up for us and shepherd us through every valley!
Beginning to Release Expectations
Now, when I hate the way life is unfolding and feel powerless to fix it all, I’m learning to let it be what it is. It’s not necessarily a sign I’m doing something wrong. It’s not evidence that God has abandoned me. It’s not proof that walking in obedience is going to destroy me. Instead, I can see it as an indicator I’m right where Jesus said I’d be.
The tension doesn’t always get resolved. The trial doesn’t always end quickly. Some Fridays, I still wish I had a go-to person to hang out with. Some rejections still sting pretty bad. Some conversations with certain married friends still leave me feeling like I’m speaking an entirely different language. All of this is something I’m learning to accept.
Jesus didn’t suggest we’d have a smooth ride in this world if we followed the right plan. No, what He modeled for us and promised was something more real and relatable. It’s a life that costs something and that produces an eternal reward (Luke 6:20-23). It’s a life that refuses to embrace superficial substitutes instead of genuine communion with God and the Beloved Community we are all striving to build together.
And as I walk with the Lord, I am seeing Him keep His track record of strengthening me by His Spirit–just like He has done with all the saints before me.
Thankfully, He hasn’t ever failed me in that.
