A Grumbling Heart
September 2023 Devotional
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”... But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. — Philippians 2:14-15, 18
I'll be honest; I like complaining.
Don't get me wrong; I love helping others. I just… sometimes want it to be known that it's costing me something.
I've heard this is typical of those of us who struggle to say "no," we sign up for what we never wanted to in the first place and piously serve with a grumbling heart.
On my worst days, this sounds a lot like my relationship with God.
When I decided to pursue celibacy, it was a decision rooted in conviction; at times, a conviction I resented. I envied my friends who were able to discern a different sexual ethic—I felt convicted to celibacy, sure, but it felt like a life sentence.
Paul suggests in Philippians that how we obey God matters, not just whether or not we obey. CS Lewis says that our decisions constantly shape us into specific types of people—heavenly beings or lowly beings, for lack of better words. I've found that my grumbling obedience frequently shapes within me a certain type of person - a person who is resentful, tired, and distant.
That sort of posture in me almost always comes from the belief that God is a cruel judge bent on destroying me - not a kind parent, looking to "give good gifts," as Christ would say. I view myself as a worker, servant, and warrior following orders, so I grumble and tire. "Here I am," I think, "Out on the field, doing God's work, lonely in my celibacy, carrying temptation by myself, fighting for dignity and chastity without any help."
What if, instead, we are "children of God," invited into a good life, who can be "glad and rejoice?" A part of me reads this passage as dismissive, but notice here in Philippians that Paul isn't' pretending to have no difficulty—being poured out "like a drink offering" may be poetic, but it's inherently sacrificial. There is a tie between being children, heirs, shining stars, and people who live in "sacrifice and service." I have found myself in the past few years asking myself, "What if this IS good news? What if this is not just Good for my community, the church, or God—but Good for me?"
What if God walks with me as a friend—not tasking me with carrying out my celibacy in my own strength, but offering me His arms in my loneliness, offering me His strength in my temptation?
Sometimes I convince myself I am alone in this battle, but that has never been the road with Jesus—He has always insisted on walking with His people. My grumbling convinces me that this task has been handed to me as punishment or test—but my faith reminds me that this walk is one of love, one of communion, one of intimacy with God and His people.
Friend, where are you grumbling? I wonder if, in that grumbling, you have become convinced you are alone? I wonder if you are being offered love, grace, and strength.
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