Charcoal Fires and Coming Out

Just in case you've been living under a rock (or just don't have Instagram or TikTok), the last few weeks, people have been discussing "What is your Roman empire?" The trend became, what historical event do you think about an inordinate number of times in a week? 

For me, a significant one has to be a line that Johana-Marie said in last year's Coming Out Day Panel, which was, "The Closet can turn into a prayer closet." I seriously think about that line at least twice a week. 

Let's assume that you listened to Johana-Marie's advice, and over the last year, you've spent a lot of time in prayer with Jesus; you have been reading books and listening to podcasts. You've been praying and seeing how Jesus speaks not just to the version of you who can show up to church small group but to the real you who is present to God in secret. Now you feel ready to come out. As you think about that process, I don't want you to leave the idea Johana-Marie gave us. We should still come out with Jesus; we should still come out deeply in prayer.

In John 21, we see one of the most intimate and powerful stories between Jesus and his disciples; verse 1 starts with the phrase, "After this, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples by the Sea of Tiberias."

"After this" is a very full statement. Jesus has been arrested, tried, and killed, and three days later, he rose again. But it's also after all 12 of Jesus' disciples had abandoned him. From Judas to Peter, everyone had abandoned Jesus. And so "After this," we get this story: 

Simon Peter, Thomas (called "Twin"), Nathanael from Cana of Galilee, Zebedee's sons, and two others of his disciples were together. "I'm going fishing," Simon Peter said to them. "We're coming with you," they told him. They went out and got into the boat, but that night, they caught nothing. When daybreak came, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not know it was Jesus. "Friends," Jesus called to them, "you don't have any fish, do you?" "No," they answered. "Cast the net on the right side of the boat," he told them, "and you'll find some." So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish. When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire there, with fish lying on it and bread. "Bring some of the fish you've just caught," Jesus told them. So Simon Peter climbed up and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish — 153 of them. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. "Come and have breakfast," Jesus told them. None of the disciples dared ask him, "Who are you?" because they knew it was the Lord. When they had eaten breakfast, Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said to him, "you know that I love you." "Feed my lambs," he told him. A second time, he asked him, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" "Yes, Lord," he said to him, "you know that I love you." "Shepherd my sheep," he told him. He asked him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was grieved that he asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." "Feed my sheep," Jesus said. "Truly I tell you, when you were younger, you would tie your belt and walk wherever you wanted. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will tie you and carry you where you don't want to go." He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. After saying this, he told him, "Follow me."

There are two things from this passage that I want to point out. First is The Setting, and second is Jesus’ Call.

The Setting

Something that I never noticed until I heard a sermon on this text is that John specifies that Jesus has a "charcoal fire." This is significant because it's not the first charcoal fire we see in John's Gospel. There is another charcoal fire that we see in John 18:18; John tells us this: Now the servants and the officials had made a charcoal fire because it was cold. They were standing there warming themselves, and Peter was standing with them, warming himself. This is the scene of Peter's denial, just a few days previous to our story about breakfast with Jesus. 

"After this," Jesus makes an incredible effort to show Peter how deep his forgiveness goes, and this is where I want to make the connection to coming out. 

In this story, Jesus brings Peter to a place that probably brought up a ton of shame. He was by a charcoal fire when he was asked three times if he knew Jesus, and Peter denied knowing Christ three times. By another charcoal fire, Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves Jesus, and he restores and heals that place. Probably changing forever how Peter experienced charcoal fires. 

Jesus didn't have to do this. Jesus died and rose again for that shame; Peter was already forgiven. He was united to Christ, but Peter didn't feel that union. The threefold confession of Peter's love wasn't penance for Peter, as Peter's sin had already been dealt with. I think that was more for Peter to feel and to remind his own heart of his love of Jesus.

Similarly, for a lot of us, sexuality is a place of a ton of shame. We have to be reminded of our union with Jesus. We have to be reminded that the omniscience of God means that He knew this about us before he ever came to save us, that he knows us and loves us for who we are, not in spite of who we are. If you are a Christian, what belongs to Jesus belongs to you. When God sees you, he doesn't see your shame, your sin, or, maybe counterintuitively, your successes; He sees Jesus and Jesus' successes. Jesus' resume becomes your resume and the ways that the Father thinks about Jesus is the way the Father thinks about you. 

For me personally, the first person I had to come out to was myself, and then I had to come out to Jesus. It was that process that began to heal those wounds and some of that shame. That's not to say that I don't need that same healing and reminder regularly. Even this past week, I found myself doubting whether or not I should be pursuing ministry because of my sexuality. But it has been through prayer that I have experienced the most healing in my shame. 

Consider what John tells us about what Jesus' questions did for Peter; by the third question, Peter was grieved, and you can't blame him. The moment is intense and full of shame. Peter can just say Lord, you know. I love that. Full of shame, Peter almost says, "Look, Jesus, I can't lean on any of my actions here; I can only lean on what you know. That you know that I love you." So if you find yourself full of shame, that can be a really good prayer: "Lord, you know. I need your help." 

Maybe you had a difficult conversation with a friend or mentor that left you feeling lonely or shamed. If Peter were sitting across from you at Starbucks, I think what he'd tell you is First, I get it. I felt so much shame; Jesus met me there. Secondly, and most importantly, he'd tell you to look to Jesus. Jesus, the man who was rejected by those around him, Jesus, who was betrayed by his friends. He'd tell you to look to Jesus, who can sympathize with you and heal that hurt better and more deeply than anything else. 

Jesus' response brings me to the second thing I wanted to point out: Jesus' Call.

Jesus' Call 

In response to Peter's threefold confession of his love for Jesus, Jesus responds this way: "Feed my sheep," Jesus said. "Truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you would tie your belt and walk wherever you wanted. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will tie you and carry you where you don't want to go." He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. After saying this, he told him, "Follow me." 

Peter's greatest shame isn't a disqualification for him serving Jesus. Jesus instead invites him again to follow Him and to continue serving. He tells Peter to Feed my sheep; in other words, his Apostolic authority is still present, and he is called to love and help God's people. 

For you, your sexuality isn't a disqualifying factor in your life. You are still able to fully follow and serve Jesus. Jesus wants you to serve His body; He has given you gifts that if you don't use in the Church, the Church is actually suffering a great loss from. Back in biology class, we learned that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. If some mitochondria aren't working in your body, there will be negative effects. Similarly, if your gifts aren't used, there will be negative effects that will affect the Body of Christ. 

Notice the second part of what Jesus says: He promises Peter suffering. So, similarly, it's not like the road will be easy in following Jesus, but it will be worth it. Jesus promises us Himself, and that makes it all worth it in the end. Jesus' resurrection means that we will be raised as well, and that means that there is coming a day when all sad things become untrue. Jesus is coming back; He'll make all things right, and there is nothing you can give up on this side of eternity that won't be paid back 1,000 fold. 

So, as you consider coming out, don't think of it as "coming out" in the sense of you leaving the closet, but as bringing people in, showing people the charcoal fire in your life. Showing people the place where you have experienced the greatest amount of grace from Jesus. If you find yourself in a place where you shouldn't or can't come out, consider this an encouragement that Jesus knows He loves you through and through. He doesn't want your sexuality to be a place where you only have shame, but He wants to transform it into a place where you can experience the love of God. 

If today, for National Coming Out Day, you decide to come out, I hope that in letting people into your story, you find a lot of grace and experience God's love for you. Remember that though it's a terrifying process, you have people who want to love and support you within our community.

For all of us, let today be a reminder of our own charcoal fires, places where we have experienced shame, but also places where God has met us and where we have been able to fully experience the love of God. 

If you stumbled across this blog somehow and saw that it was a Christian talking about coming out and you're not a Christian, first of all, amazing job making it to the end of the blog. Second, I do want to apologize for the way many of my fellow Christians have treated LGBT people; for many, your sexuality was a barrier for entry. I'm sorry. You are deeply loved by Jesus, and I think He's worth following with everything. If you want to know more, please reach out to us. We'd be happy to share more.